Saturday, 23 April 2011

'The Warning' by Joe England


The Warning

In the morning
(before the warning)
I’d been working
hard in
the garden

Having earned the
right to rest
I set up my best
deckchair
and laid back
there

While I tried
the birds denied
me
my peace and quiet

They just wouldn’t
give it a rest
loads of them partying
in a nest
in the tree above my head
making the yellow glow
of the sun burn red

Shut the fuck up
I eventually screamed
a large bumble bee
intervened
tormenting and augmenting
my anger

I swung a fist
into his buzzing
the anti-social birds
above him
peered down and then tweeted
Lay down your life bee! Sting he!

Mother Nature
I don’t hate ya
just tell it to the bees
but mostly to the birds
to mark my words
I’ve got an air rifle indoors

© Joe England 2011

Thursday, 14 April 2011

'Voice of Pain' by Joe England



Voice of Pain

Alan Green
you are obscene
with your football
pontificating
to us in waiting

You think you
know it all
about football
but a wise guy
you ain’t

My bullshit detector
resonates in fury
every time your mouth opens
judge and jury
combined

You are a faker
a bore dater
and a maker
of so many angry listeners

If only Wolstenholme
was still alive
to punch you in the face
and take back his place
as Kenneth
the king of commentators

© Joe England 2011

Sunday, 10 April 2011

‘In His Room’ by Joe England



In His Room

His name was Boon
come up to my room
he said
when I got round there

In his room
just me and him
the others were all out
no one else in

Just how we both want it?
Boon said
I nodded back
and sat on his bed

Fifteen minutes later
we are both on the carpeted moor
of his bedroom floor
he in ecstasy
me in pain

Of my Subbuteo team
four were snapped at the knee
by his fat knee
and Celtic went on to win
seven three

© Joe England 2011

Saturday, 9 April 2011

‘As For Now’ by Joe England


As For Now

I came a cropper
the day we had a visit
from the mystery shopper

My version of the events
as they prevailed
got derailed
by a biased jury

I told them
she was rude to me
come here, bow down
lick my boots
I’ll boot you up the fucking arse
I told her

You can’t say that
to the mystery shopper
well I did
and so came a cropper

Previously sacked
from Lidl
but the cameras did prove
I was on the fiddle

As for now
goodbye Argos
this is your loss
not mine

© Joe England 2011

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

'Horrorshow' by Joe England


Horrorshow
Wayne Rooney
my neighbour told me
is a loony
(what with the way
he did
all that inappropriate
swearing down the camera
at West Ham)

But, a loon?
no
he’s definitely
got fuck all
in common with
Forfar Athletic

he’s not even
a buffoon
my other neighbour said
he’s a horrorshow
a liar
and also
a foulmouthed cunt

© Joe England 2011

Sunday, 3 April 2011

‘Spy’ and ‘48 Crash’ by Joe England


Spy
Outside Aldi and I spy two women in trench coats as they wrestle a Labrador into the back of a Mondeo Estate. Dog not happy. They almost chop off its head when patience wears thin and the hatch is slammed closed.
          Then I spy an elderly man also struggling. But not with dog. He has a large sized oblong box. It’s a Zimmer frame. Aldi’s special offer of the day. He really wasn’t walking easily with that box, with the Zimmer frame inside, awaiting assembly. All kindly I go up and say to him, do you want help to unwrap the box and also do the simple assembly so that you can use the walking aid instantly?
          The reaction: box put down, resting against a rack of trolleys, deep breath taken and then fist planted into my face.
          Life is like a river; a river a metaphor for life. Sometimes the journey is smooth and pleasant, gentle ripples, the casual slurping downstream while bathed in sunlight. But when the sky blackens and large rocks inexplicably appear – like the dark above, they have to be negotiated. The inexplicable rocks break up the smooth pathway, splintering the flow of water and then if you’re not careful, before you know what’s happening you’re down a fuckface of a waterfall, but still resolutely happy until you sink down deep into the sand of time below, to rest in peace, forever. To sum up, I definitely think that miserable old cunt must have knocked me out cold.


48 Crash

I hear a voice
it is of a woman
trying to sing
she sounds in distress
and keeps repeating
my name is Suzanne
I want to be a man
in a biker gang
I once had a hit song
called Can the Can

She then goes away
but upon her return
speaks of a
devil gate drive
I think of an ex girlfriends house
but she distracts me further
wants me
to help her
am I really the man
from Venus
who will help her
grow a penis

No, I tell her
I’m definitely not

© Joe England 2011